No Privacy

As a young child, I have never been given any type of privacy at all. At school I had people and at home especially at home, I would see people. Obviously it is not a bad thing but to some degree, empirically since I am an introvert and need some alone time in order to recharge, having no privacy to myself can be dreadful. I have to share a tiny room with my mom and little brother. I sleep on a bunk bed with me on the top and my mother and brother at the bottom. Never once experienced a room to myself or even a place where no one is around. I could go outside or to a cafe but that would be the same vibe.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not necessarily complaining about my situation of not having any privacy since I am fed and have a roof and also a place where I can write my thoughts. I am more of saying what it can do to a person who needs to be alone to be able to think properly and to meditate. My family is also home most of the time, and since my computer is in the living room, whatever I am watching or doing, my family will disturb and find out what I am doing.

Sometimes it gets to the point where it just irritates me and start throwing a silent tantrum in my head. This is bad because I am keeping emotions in and I should be letting them out. But I don’t too much of a douchebag about stuff like this since my family is really kind. It is just that having no place to myself can be agonizing and distressful that it brings me to lunacy. It gets me riled up and wants to end up wanting to punch a wall.

Now that is my emotion talking. What I decided was to go on long walks and to work else where if I am in any stress or discomfort. I only ever work at home if I am feeling comfortable or happy at that moment. It is better this way so that I don’t have to complain and look into the future, so that I can start planning to move out…hopefully.

The Mentality of a 19 year old

Success is everywhere in social media. We have seen many individuals who are rich and famous. But the ones who are making an impact to society are the ones who have made it, at a young age; as young as 14. When getting out of high school, many kids don’t know what they want to do in life. School barely teaches you how to survive in society and expects you to know everything. That is how I thought before but even though it may be through, it really depends on each individual. I remember being in high school and people at my age already having skills such as programming, woodworking, fixing cars and a people who can write a book. Those skills are good going forward if you are smart with it. While they were honing their skills, I was at home just focusing on schoolwork and playing videogames. I would finish any homework given and would barely study for test since it was easy. If I’m being honest, I thought I was being smart but in reality I was just making bad habits. I only later realized this and noticed that I was basically a talentless child.

Going back on the successful people, I have always envied people who are the same age as me and became really successful at a short time. While I was busy studying for tests that I didn’t really care, people have found ways to get money. I became really jealous of them since I am nothing. People who are also famous at age 30 or more, have also started pursuing careers at my age. An example would be famous athletes, actors, or people who make Youtube videos. This makes me feel like a total loser since I don’t really know what to do. I don’t have any aspirations about anything and I can’t seem to get the right mindset. It doesn’t help that I keep scrolling through social media and keep seeing these kids who are flexing their success and wealth; making myself feel miserable.

All of these factors is making myself feel an unaccomplished person. At 19, I already feel like, I have failed at life. Which is a bad mentality to have since I still have my 20s. During my 10s of life, I did nothing but fool around. Which obviously makes sense since I was still a child but the fact that I never once thought my own future, scares me. It also doesn’t help that my family has also never talked about it either. I was basically going solo in life, which I mean makes sense since no one in this world really cares about each other that much. We learn to be jealous, envious, and greedy but we never learn to be compassionate. We can be nice to one another but when it comes to topics that are hard such as life goals, people often are appalled to that question and would only give a half-hearted answer. I guess that is just how it is in life. You figure it on your own and hope that it works out in the end.

Losing my vision of the future and only thinking of dark and horrific things about how life can go wrong causes myself to not pursue anything. I feel like, I have been left behind while I was just goofing off and having fun. Looking back at it, I ask myself if it was worth it? The fun I had with people, that I don’t even talk to anymore, the memories I had, which I barely remember… was it all worth it? I don’t even know. Even so life moves on and I need to suck it up. I have been thinking about past events to the point of lunacy. What I could have done and what I could have done better. I keep recalling to the past, which blinds my future. My mind is too scared to think ahead so it creates delusional facts about the past that never happened. I pretend that I am a strong person that can fight anyone: a person who can cook any types food: a person who is good academically and can be good at anything. These delusions puts a strain in my brain causing myself to be demotivated to try anything new. When I have tried new things, I can’t do it the first time and automatically call quits. I compare myself to others and end up just sitting on the couch scrolling again.

These struggles, I feel like goes for almost everyone in the world. With constant media attention and this ideology of not being good enough is bad for people and myself. I need to get out of the bubble and start being optimistic about things and start enjoying the life I have been given.

Feeling Alone in this World

I have recently started reading a book by Osamu Dazai “No Longer Human.” It is about a boy named Yozo who struggles to fit in with society; not just society but relating with other human beings overall. As I am writing I have not finished the book but I wanted to write things that I relate to Yozo. Not entirely since Yozo case is entirely not human but forcing himself being this “clown” so that he can make people laugh, so that he can hide his identity from others. He doesn’t make people laugh solely to wanting them to laugh but he thinks that being a “clown” is more appreciated in society rather than someone who is depressed and has issues about themselves. Yozo is too scared that someone is going find out about his true self which is that he cannot sympathize or feel any compassions with other human beings.

I can’t help but relate to Yozo but I can’t say that I am Yozo. Since obviously humans are different but it is the fact that Yozo goes too deep into not being a human. Humans are social beings and not being to socialize with others to the full extent is something only a few can do. People feel good when they are with people and can truly say that they are happy being others. But for Yozo case, he can’t.

That is one of the features that I deeply connect with Yozo. I had no friends in high school, not because people didn’t approach me or the people in my school was rude but it was due to myself not being socially connected with others. I need to change that. I started talking with old friends in middle school and getting along with them and actually asking personnel stuff in order to get closer. I started to learn how to care for others, and actually learning and using my voice.

Reading Dazai book made me realize that I don’t want to live like Yozu and that I need to become better person. Obviously Yozo has been like this since he was a child but I was not. I am acting like Yozo because I am stubborn and have forgotten what it was like to be happy. So therefore I cannot say I am Yozo. I was curious and more engaging as a child but my stubbornness of being alone and attention seeking made me break up a lot of important relationships in the past. I have realized that the others was not the problem but it was myself and this horrible way of beliefs of other people. I must appreciate that I don’t have any illness within me and that I can have control of my mind. I can be better than others and hopefully try to help others as I am doing with myself. Becoming a better person is a must now, since I can’t live alone forever. It will be a journey but a journey I am willing to take.

How does one make a choice?

I have started reading and watching multiple categories of media and instead of just watching it mindlessly, I have decided to carefully examine on why each characters do what they do. Recently I watched Silenced on Netflix, which is about children who are getting abused (both sexually and physically) at a school for deaf kids. They took advantage of the disabled kids due to them not being able to hear, to do weird and inhuman things to them. What caught my attention is the courage that the two characters took, in order to save the kids. Especially Kang In-Ho, who was the the main person in the story, who was struggling on whether to get involved or not. He had to risk his daughter and mother well-being since he had to focus on the kids who were abused. He needed a lot of courage, to ensure that the people who abused the kids, get punished. “Courage.” That was a word, that I never thought of before until I watched this movie.

“What would I have done?” I questioned that myself as I was watching. There was scene where Kang In-Ho was right in front of the girls bathroom door where a kid was getting sexually abused by once of the old man in the movie. Kang In-Ho was hesitant to open the door since it was a girls washroom. But the screaming was obviously something no one can ignore. If it was a courageous person, they would automatically bust open the door and try to help the person. During that scene I also asked “ What would I have done.”

There were many people who stayed quite in that movie and a lot of people were bribed in order for the bad men to be free. The prosecutor and judge were all part of the scheme and the whole court case was corrupted. Kang was offered a large sum of money and a promotion for a better job. But he declined. While others accepted it, almost with no hesitation, Kang was the only one to decline the offer.

Would I have done the same? Can I bravely say that I can decline such a good offer, knowing, children are abused by these people. I don’t know. Considering the fact that these people were desperate to find a job and to earn money (just like I am.) I can’t say that I will accept the offer but I also can’t say that I would decline the offer. Humans can be really selfish and I would need to be in that situation in order to come to a decision.

It has been like this throughout my life (even though it has only been 19) where I would not be able to make decisions on the spot. Even the easiest decisions such as wanting a book but it cost a lot of money. Just that alone would make myself sit on my chair, thinking about if I should get it or not. That process would take hours before I come to a decision.

Stuff like this makes me wonder if I capable of doing things. How do people make choices so easily? Can I do that? I barely talk to anyone; if not at all. That was till recently, where I have started talking to old friends from middle school. Since I have not talked to anyone in so long, I have to urge to straight up lie to them. Why is that? I don’t know. I feel like I don’t have a choice but in reality I do. It’s just the urge to lie in order to hide yourself knowing that you are fraud. I don’t want them to know that I am nothing and that there is nothing going on for me.

I hear success everywhere and compare myself to others. This makes a vulnerable state in my mind since I am nothing compared to them. This urges my mind to lie about things in hopes to become just like them. My mind wanders and it seems I can’t make any decisions. This leads a belief that I am not in control of mind and it creates personalities that I don’t want. So in situations that people need help, I can never acquire their assistance since I am a very uneducated and selfish person in this world.

Trying out new things.

Currently I am trying out this whole blogging and writing phase. How long would this last? Who really knows, but the more I write, the less heavy my brain is. So I guess… it is working?? But whatever the case, I want to get a habit doing this type of thing. Why? Well for starters like I said it feels nice to write down my thoughts and not having to think over and over until my brain forgets about it and I end up feeling lost. Also I want to improve my writing skills since I want to publish a fictional book in the future. Not only do I have to improve my writing skills but I also have to get the habit of reading. So far I try to read in the morning so that I can warmup my brain muscles ( if that is a thing) but I won’t lie since I need to be true to myself and that I did for 3 days and it seems I abandoned it today. I really need to stop doing that. Also I want to be able to finish a book since I have never done that before. To learn to actually finish and understand a book ( the last book I actually finished was in middle school since I stopped caring about school in high school ) to the point where I connect with the book.

I also want to try out different hobbies such as woodworking, camping, being handy in different housing appliances, robotics, programming… yeah… a lot of things. Will I accomplish these things? Probably not. Cause I get too frustrated when things don’t go my way but I have realized that is almost every time I do something. So it is either to accept it or keep playing the victim mindset. So far I am into my writing phase or at least I try. But since I am writing this blog, I say it is a good starting point. Instead of writing essays about topics I don’t like, I can focus my shift to topics that I do like and geek about them. Now that I mention it, about writing essays, I think my hatred for writing was due to those essays. I hated anything that had to do with books I don’t really like and also the fact that instead of enjoying the writing the process, I focused my mind into thinking about if the teacher is going to like it, so that I can get a good mark in school. I think with those factors, I hated writing and the fact that I can write my own thoughts is very new. I am still learning and trying to at least improve my storytelling and ways that I can express myself.

Why am I like this?

It is already 4:00pm on a Friday, and I have done nothing. I stare at the ceiling or go on my phone all day, suffering with no motivation whatsoever. Why am I like this? Is it because I am to scared of failure? Or is it simply because I am not talented enough to do anything in life… or maybe because I tell myself everyday that I am not good enough and beat myself down to the point where I cannot stand up no more. But those are just questions. Questions that I have no answer to. I stare and scroll down my screen so I can feel some validation to myself. I write horrible things to people, so that I can feel some sort of emotion. I have lost all contact with the outside world and slowly and surely fading away from society. I am no one important and even my family ahs given up on me… sort of since they still let me stay in their house. I kind of forgotten what it is like to be alive and to have excitement about doing something; learning something; being curious about the world we live in, but those feelings died out as soon as I left high school. Why is that? I cannot even tell you.

I am turned 19 this year and I already feel lost in life. Is this normal? Some people may agree but in all honesty, I know they are just trying to be kind. Words cannot express how difficult my emotions are this year. I am lots…I am scared… no one by my side (since I cannot open myself to others). That is why I am writing this blog in order to open to people and express my thoughts into words. This is basically a self healing journey, since most people say that writing helps with your mental health. Now is it working? I don’t know yet since this my first blog and first time writing but I will tell you that my brain is less heavy and my thoughts are more clear. I hope that, the more I write and the more connections I make with myself and hopefully with others will help me be a better person overall.