How does one make a choice?

I have started reading and watching multiple categories of media and instead of just watching it mindlessly, I have decided to carefully examine on why each characters do what they do. Recently I watched Silenced on Netflix, which is about children who are getting abused (both sexually and physically) at a school for deaf kids. They took advantage of the disabled kids due to them not being able to hear, to do weird and inhuman things to them. What caught my attention is the courage that the two characters took, in order to save the kids. Especially Kang In-Ho, who was the the main person in the story, who was struggling on whether to get involved or not. He had to risk his daughter and mother well-being since he had to focus on the kids who were abused. He needed a lot of courage, to ensure that the people who abused the kids, get punished. “Courage.” That was a word, that I never thought of before until I watched this movie.

“What would I have done?” I questioned that myself as I was watching. There was scene where Kang In-Ho was right in front of the girls bathroom door where a kid was getting sexually abused by once of the old man in the movie. Kang In-Ho was hesitant to open the door since it was a girls washroom. But the screaming was obviously something no one can ignore. If it was a courageous person, they would automatically bust open the door and try to help the person. During that scene I also asked “ What would I have done.”

There were many people who stayed quite in that movie and a lot of people were bribed in order for the bad men to be free. The prosecutor and judge were all part of the scheme and the whole court case was corrupted. Kang was offered a large sum of money and a promotion for a better job. But he declined. While others accepted it, almost with no hesitation, Kang was the only one to decline the offer.

Would I have done the same? Can I bravely say that I can decline such a good offer, knowing, children are abused by these people. I don’t know. Considering the fact that these people were desperate to find a job and to earn money (just like I am.) I can’t say that I will accept the offer but I also can’t say that I would decline the offer. Humans can be really selfish and I would need to be in that situation in order to come to a decision.

It has been like this throughout my life (even though it has only been 19) where I would not be able to make decisions on the spot. Even the easiest decisions such as wanting a book but it cost a lot of money. Just that alone would make myself sit on my chair, thinking about if I should get it or not. That process would take hours before I come to a decision.

Stuff like this makes me wonder if I capable of doing things. How do people make choices so easily? Can I do that? I barely talk to anyone; if not at all. That was till recently, where I have started talking to old friends from middle school. Since I have not talked to anyone in so long, I have to urge to straight up lie to them. Why is that? I don’t know. I feel like I don’t have a choice but in reality I do. It’s just the urge to lie in order to hide yourself knowing that you are fraud. I don’t want them to know that I am nothing and that there is nothing going on for me.

I hear success everywhere and compare myself to others. This makes a vulnerable state in my mind since I am nothing compared to them. This urges my mind to lie about things in hopes to become just like them. My mind wanders and it seems I can’t make any decisions. This leads a belief that I am not in control of mind and it creates personalities that I don’t want. So in situations that people need help, I can never acquire their assistance since I am a very uneducated and selfish person in this world.