Why am I like this?

It is already 4:00pm on a Friday, and I have done nothing. I stare at the ceiling or go on my phone all day, suffering with no motivation whatsoever. Why am I like this? Is it because I am to scared of failure? Or is it simply because I am not talented enough to do anything in life… or maybe because I tell myself everyday that I am not good enough and beat myself down to the point where I cannot stand up no more. But those are just questions. Questions that I have no answer to. I stare and scroll down my screen so I can feel some validation to myself. I write horrible things to people, so that I can feel some sort of emotion. I have lost all contact with the outside world and slowly and surely fading away from society. I am no one important and even my family ahs given up on me… sort of since they still let me stay in their house. I kind of forgotten what it is like to be alive and to have excitement about doing something; learning something; being curious about the world we live in, but those feelings died out as soon as I left high school. Why is that? I cannot even tell you.

I am turned 19 this year and I already feel lost in life. Is this normal? Some people may agree but in all honesty, I know they are just trying to be kind. Words cannot express how difficult my emotions are this year. I am lots…I am scared… no one by my side (since I cannot open myself to others). That is why I am writing this blog in order to open to people and express my thoughts into words. This is basically a self healing journey, since most people say that writing helps with your mental health. Now is it working? I don’t know yet since this my first blog and first time writing but I will tell you that my brain is less heavy and my thoughts are more clear. I hope that, the more I write and the more connections I make with myself and hopefully with others will help me be a better person overall.